Blog

When we talk about sexual violence, we must remember that survivors are in the room.

'When you say “I’m a survivor” everybody just stops in their tracks and doesn't know how to communicate with you. They could have known you for like, months and months and had great conversations but the minute you mentioned that it's like “oh, how do I talk to you?” I think that's down to the media because we aren't having that proper conversation.’

This comes from Lisa, a member of the Survivor Reference Group (SRG). The SRG is a diverse participation group of over 50 survivors from across Scotland who advocate powerfully for change, drawing on their lived experience with individuals and institutions to improve responses to sexual violence.

Here, Lisa is speaking on the SRG podcast mini-series. The SRG podcast mini-series is by survivors for survivors, but it’s also for anyone else who wants to hear directly from survivors about their experiences. The mini-series aims to show the diversity of survivors’ experiences, and to remind the public that life doesn’t stop after sexual violence. In episode 1, Lisa and fellow SRG member Hannah discuss the public conversation around sexual violence.

Hannah also noticed a change in attitudes: ‘I was looked at differently, treated differently, whatever they thought of me seemed to disappear overnight.’ On researching criminal trials, she found it difficult to relate to survivors in press coverage, until she realised why: ‘we're not portrayed accurately as real human beings with real lives, real stories.’

The othering of survivors - in the media, in public discussions, and as Hannah and Lisa’s experiences demonstrate, in their own lives – comes from the incorrect idea that sexual violence is rare or unusual, a problem that happens ‘over there’. The reality is quite different.

It is estimated that 1 in 3 (30%) women have been subjected to either physical and/or sexual violence in their lifetime, meaning sexual violence is far from unusual, it’s commonplace. So why, during conversations about sexual violence, do so many people talk about survivors as though they aren’t in the room?

One explanation discussed in the podcast is the idea that ignoring the systemic nature of sexual violence helps us to believe that we’re safe. Confronting the reality that survivors are all around us means understanding that perpetrators are too. It means acknowledging that sexual violence exists in all our communities, and that our cultures have not only failed to meaningfully address it so far but have minimised and normalised it.

That’s a scary thought. It is far easier and less confronting to think of sexual violence in the abstract, as something that happens to “other” people, by “other” people, not you and yours.

Yet, ignoring survivors’ realities does all of us a disservice. Refusing to accept how widespread sexual violence is doesn’t make it go away, all it does is risks burdening survivors with shame and stigma that they should not have to carry. It makes it harder to talk about, and therefore harder to change a culture where sexual violence is causing so much harm to so many people.

Survivors don’t owe anyone their stories, but if and when they choose to share them, all of us should listen. And keep listening, because survivors are so much more than what they have survived. As Lisa put it: ‘Yes, it's a part of my life that happened to me, but it doesn't define me. I'm a mum. I'm a successful businesswoman. I’m a successful mother. I can be a loving partner. It doesn't stop me from being a human being.’

There’s a long way to go in improving the public conversation around sexual violence. If you’re asking yourself what you can do to help, start by listening to survivors when they choose to share. Believe survivors. Help to create an environment where survivors feel comfortable. Stand in solidarity with survivors.

And the next time the public conversation turns to sexual violence, talk about it as though there are survivors in the room, because they most likely will be.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

You can listen to episodes 1 and 2 of the SRG podcast mini-series here, and read the Scotsman article on the podcast here.