Rape Crisis Scotland Blog
A word in your ear
Advice on matters sexual is something many of us are in need of or asked for at some point in our lives. Whether we are looking for reassurance or practical information, there is no doubt that scrutiny or discussion of our most private moments is one of the most difficult and complex subjects of all, and something that requires acute sensitivity in handling. With the best will in the world, opinions voiced will always be subjective, and responses to requests for guidance need careful consideration before they are given.
This is significant enough when it’s a one-to one exchange, but when the forum is that of an advice column in a newspaper or other periodical, the impact of the words of wisdom offered can be multiplied many times over, with everyone who gives even a cursory glance to the matter under discussion & proposed solutions taking something from what is said (and often adding their tuppenceworth in the comments section below).
Operating as the oracle in this context, columnists offering advice on sex and related matters have a serious responsibility on their hands, with consequences potentially far more widespread and profound than those attendant on advice given by football pundits or the Watchdog team. The experts here are responding not only to an individual, but to a personal situation that resonates far beyond the circumstances of the correspondent looking for help.
Whatever is suggested as a solution emanates not simply from a knowledge of fact but from the set of assumptions or worldview that informs it. In taking on board the advice that is offered, readers are often also consumers of the perspective from which it is coming, and need to be aware of that.
Why does this matter? It matters greatly, because the impact of advice disseminated among an extensive readership is not only personal, it is cultural too.
It matters greatly when the views expressed feed into a narrative that prioritises male sexual satisfaction over any consideration for the needs, feelings, health, interests or concerns of women. When this is the perspective from which advice on sex or relationships is coming, it offers not only misguided advice to an individual, but a view of sexual experience that is damaging to women in general, and acts as a corrosive to the sexual autonomy they have struggled towards for hundreds of years – and have still not fully achieved.
Pamela Stephenson’s offering in the Guardian, responding to a reader whose boyfriend can climax only when she is asleep (and is otherwise cold in a sexual context) is a case in point. Although the woman is the one who has written in, her partner’s are the only needs that are considered in the response. “Perhaps he requires his partner to be more passive, for some reason.” Pamela muses, before going on to suggest that her correspondent “First reassure him with something positive you enjoy about his love-making style, then ask him: ‘How might I help you climax?’ “.
There is at no point any acknowledgement or consideration given to the view that his behaviour is problematic for the woman beyond its interruption to her sleep, when in fact it raises many disturbing questions around (among others) the issue of consent.
Advice columnists have a valuable role to play in helping people to navigate the complexities of sexual interaction, and in offering reassurance and clarity around these issues. Part of the skill involved in doing this successfully means being able to deal objectively with a wide range of perspectives and experiences and to offer the prospect of one or more resolutions to the issue at hand. Inevitably, some questions relate to scenarios bordering on or characterized by abuse or exploitation. When this is the case, a clear-sighted and direct opinion from the agony aunt can offer a much needed lifeline. And when the question deals with an issue which confronts young women in intimate relationships on an increasingly regular basis (but might not be the sort of thing they feel comfortable raising even with close friends) the importance of an independent view in helping to reassert women’s autonomy in sexual relationships can be a vital antidote to the pressures of a sexualized culture.
In response to a woman who is uncomfortable because her partner has been pressuring her to agree to them filming themselves having sex, Rowan Pelling leaves no room for doubt:
“It is clear you simply don't share your boyfriend's erotic fantasy about making a sex film, which is understandable and reasonable. Many people feel uncomfortable having their photo taken or being watched while they undress, let alone exposing their most intimate anatomy to the camera lens.
Your boyfriend's comment that you should 'loosen up' appears to be a mutt-headed attempt to persuade you that the great majority of women harbour panting ambitions to be amateur porn stars. But most of us are quite happy to keep our sexual expertise a secret between ourselves, our lover and the bedroom ceiling.
I don't necessarily place all the blame squarely on your man - men's magazines have been propagating this kind of nonsense for years; but it's a great mistake to think of Jordan's or Pamela Anderson's behaviour as normal. It goes without saying that the making of any erotic film should be an entirely consensual activity and it sounds as if you're being emotionally blackmailed.”
Occasionally, in responding to a query, columnists find themselves dealing very directly with the consequences of abuse. In reply to a woman who asks “How can I stop self-harming?” Joan Burnie’s first step is to reject immediately the correspondent’s declaration that she was at fault for being raped at 13 (the woman says the self-harming is to “remind me of how bad I was”) before moving on to point her in the direction of rape crisis for support, and closing with reassurances that her fears that her child will be removed from her on account of her self-harming are unfounded. The message communicated to survivors of sexual violence in this crisp and unequivocal response can counter with one stroke of the pen years worth of doubt, anxiety and self-accusation.
In identifying the true sources of the problems brought to them in these instances, Rowan Pelling and Joan Burnie demonstrate the valuable role the advice columnist can play in challenging a culture which so often removes autonomy from women in the sexual sphere, and creates a climate in which self-questioning or internalized self-blame in the context of abuse or exploitation is common.
The factors that contribute to this culture are diverse and often invisible. But questions like these – and the answers we give to them can play a crucial role in challenging or supporting it. If we encourage those in crisis through the sexual pressures or demands imposed by others to question or change their own behaviour in order to achieve the peace and resolution they seek, we are once more placing the responsibility right back onto the shoulders of women instead of looking at the real sources of the problem.
It is worth remembering that this is something which obstructs women’s chances of obtaining justice in rape trials every day.
Comments: 3
Published: 11th January 2011
Karen B
11 Jan 11, 7:26pmKatherine
11 Jan 11, 5:20pmLinda T
11 Jan 11, 3:58pm