Information for family and friends of survivors

Introduction

It is important for a survivor of rape or sexual abuse to be listened to, and believed, whether they have just been attacked, or are talking about events that happened some time ago, for example, in their childhood.

This section aims to give some helpful information on how to respond if you are in the situation where a family member, partner or friend has just started speaking out about their own experience of rape or child sexual abuse.

How can I help?

Listen - To what she has to say and let her take her time. It might not be easy for her to start talking about an event that she has kept silent about for a long time. It may be difficult because she may have been told not to tell by the abuser at the time.

Believe - People rarely lie about rape or sexual abuse. Why would they? It is important to believe what they are saying.

Respect - Both her feelings and decisions. If she feels like crying, let her, it can be part of her healing process.

Remember - It is not her fault - no-one asks to be abused or deserves it and she cannot be blamed for not preventing the abuse. The blame lies with abuser.

Recognise - The courage it takes for a survivor to speak must be recognised and praised. It takes a great deal of courage to face up to fears and also to talk about any sexual experience.

Do not…

Don't tell them to forget about it. Don't say, “it happened a long time ago, why does it suddenly bother you now?” Healing can take time and some people block or try to forget traumatic events. This is a way of coping with what has happened. Remembering can be triggered by events such as the birth of a baby, a T.V. programme, marriage, changing job, starting a new relationship etc....

Don't ask them why they didn’t fight back. People can freeze when confronted with a terrifying situation.

Don't ask why they didn’t say anything sooner. If it happened when they where young they may have tried to tell but been ignored or disbelieved. They may have been threatened or been too frightened to say anything. Most people do try to tell someone at some time.

Don't tell them what to do. They need to be in control of their own decisions about matters that affect them. You can help them to explore options that are available to them.

Don't pressure them into doing, or talking about things they are not ready to face. When they are ready they will speak.

What about sexual contact?

If it is your partner that has just been attacked or has remembered some past abuse which she has blocked out, she may find sexual and intimate contact difficult. It is important to realise that it is not something to do with you - it is to do with the feelings and memories she has. Reassure her and let her take things at her own pace. With your help, patience and understanding, she can heal from the trauma.

What about my feelings?

Seeing someone you care about dealing with a traumatic experience can be distressing in itself. It is important that you get support for yourself. Without such support, it can be really hard for you to be there for her. Try asking a trusted friend or family member or contact your local centre.